


Cicadas and Heat and Nothing

by bishounen_curious



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Existential Angst, F/M, Sexual Content, Verbal Abuse, asuka as the abuser, everything that comes with the series tbh, shinji's self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 00:18:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3360728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bishounen_curious/pseuds/bishounen_curious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's too hot to move, it's too hot to exist. But, Asuka's too fed up to let him be .</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cicadas and Heat and Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> this is fucking awful in so many ways

The sun had set hours ago and Misato still wasn’t home.

Despite the darkness of the outside world, all of the lights in the apartment were switched off. It was just dark; wholly and suffocatingly dark. It was too hot to have the fluorescent bulbs beating down on the pair of teenagers inside. The two of them usually fought about everything, but this particular subject regarding the lights ended with a mutual, quiet agreement. 

The lights had been turned off and much to Misato’s energy bill’s chagrin, the A/C was cranked up to the maximum setting. It had to be, or else the apartment would have felt insufferable. Unsurprisingly, the ventilation inside the cheap dwelling was poor. The usually stagnant air had become a thickened, moist smog that clogged lungs and made the pores on flesh leak.

It was just another sweltering summer night.

After he had adjusted the A/C, Shinji had resumed his spot on the floor in the living room. On his back, he had zoned out looking up at the ceiling, his Walkman’s music deafening in his ears. It was all he could do not to be miserable. 

It was too hot to sleep, and it wasn’t like he was tired anyway, so his only option was to just leave the present and float his mind through nothingness. No time. No space. No nobody. No nothing. The journey to nothingness was safe. It also was the least bothersome activity, as well. Asuka didn’t like it when he sulked and stayed idle, self-conscious and self-aware. When he pretended to not exist, her usual ire could dissipate, and she ignored him as easily as he could ignore himself.

At the moment, she was doing just that. Pretending he didn’t exist. 

Across the room, parallel to him, she was stretched out on the floor, resting on her tummy, leafing through a magazine. Her tangerine, frizzy hair spilled over her back and onto the ground, similar to the pattern of perspiration sliding down her skin. Even her magazine was sweating. Each page looked swollen, and it sounded like two pieces of sweaty flesh rubbing against one another every time she flipped a page. It sounded disgusting, and it probably felt disgusting too, but Asuka wasn’t complaining. 

So it was okay.

It was a hideously hot night. But, it was an easy night. And especially with how everything had been the last few weeks, ‘easy’ was welcome, even if it went hand-in-hand with shitty weather.

Shinji blinked. Things were okay. For now.

No Angels. No Father. No responsibility. 

Another wet crinkle sounded as another page turned. The mechanical whir of the A/C hummed in the background. When the last track of his tape ended and faded out to silence in his ears, his thumb clicked “rewind” without hesitation and waited for the cassette to restart. He couldn’t remember how many times he had already done this tonight. 

The cicadas outside, even over the noise of the A/C and through the closed windows, were still audible. They sounded lonely. As his tape rewound, he listened to the incessant chirping. That was their way of attracting a mate, he had heard once. All of them, so many of them, chirping. Screaming. For somebody to see them. To hear them. 

Love them.

Shinji’s stomach churned. 

The cassette was ready to play again. He hit button and the song began to pound into his skull. 

He closed his eyes.

“Ughhhhhh, where’s Misato? She said she’d be home with dinner like an hour ago…” Shinji didn’t respond to the redhead’s complaint. As the trend went, if he responded, she would just lash out at him, making him feel small. He didn’t feel like getting berated, so he stayed unresponsive and pretended to not have heard her.

Asuka just kept talking.

“I’m starving! Make something for me to eat, Shinji.” In the periphery of his vision, he saw her roll onto her back. Asuka was always one for theatrics. 

Dammit. She was making things difficult. It was like she was challenging him to continue ignoring her whining. Yet, he just couldn’t respond. The fourteen year old didn’t have the energy or the motivation, so he stayed limp on the floor, still acting the stubborn introvert.

“I know you hear me, idiot.”

He did. He just wouldn’t admit to that.

“Shinji, dammit, answer me!” 

Asuka flung the humidity-soaked magazine against the wall in a burst of frustration. Immediately following the crinkling-thud it made when it hit the wall and subsequently crashed onto the floor, she popped up onto her feet. She stormed over to the pilot and loomed over him, eyebrows knit together and her arms crossed over her chest. Shinji noticed the rivulets of sweat dotting her neck and face, pooling at her collarbone, teasing down to the inside of her oversized t-shirt she was wearing. Sweat also shimmered on her upper lip and forehead. Her cheeks were flushed from the heat.

He averted his gaze from hers. He saw her stiffen out of the corner of his eyes.

“You’re being rude, idiot! Look at me when I speak to you.”

It was pointless. He couldn’t play ignorant anymore. 

Pausing the song, he removed his headphones and braved the verbal abuse. “What is it?”

“Make dinner.”

“Why should I?”

“Because a pretty girl asked you to?” Her shrill voice was scandalized. “Any normal boy dreams of fulfilling a girl’s every wish.” Her voice trailed off as she continued. “But, then again, I guess you’re not exactly normal…”

“Guess not,” he deadpanned. 

“Seriously. There’s something really wrong with you.”

“Alright.”

Bending down, she snatched his Walkman from his limp grasp and glared. His eyes narrowed at that, but he didn’t make any effort to retrieve it. Engaging with her was exhausting enough. 

“You’re hopeless, you know that?”

“Give it back, Asuka.”

“No.” She waved the music player above her head as she righteously gesticulated her point. “You won’t do what I ask so why should I listen to you?”

He frowned. “You’re so bossy.”

Usually a confrontation was enough to get her off his back. She liked to push his buttons, and for some reason she loved it even more when he didn’t succumb to her taunts. It was kind of sick, how she thrived off pushing others’ boundaries. However, when he decided to play along and actually respond to her, she usually gave up. It didn’t make sense. It was like she was pleased with herself for making him, the quiet boy who didn’t like to emote, feel something. 

But, for some reason, Asuka wasn’t backing down. This was different: his strategy wasn’t working. If anything, it just appeared to fuel the fire.

“And you’re pathetic, Shinji. A pathetic child.” He saw her pale fingers tighten around his Walkman, getting paler. Her teeth pressed into her bottom lip.

Shinji exhaled all the air in his lungs through his nose. When he spoke, he sounded breathless, like he was choking. “Asuka, stop.”

“You’re a baby. Grow a pair and fight me.”

“Why would I fight you? You’re making no sense…”

“Fight me! Get up, and try to take this from me. It’s yours, right?” She held it away from her body, examining it with blatant distaste, like she was holding rotten food. “This piece of junk is the only thing you pay attention to. And I took it. Doesn’t that make you angry?”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “It’s too hot for this…”

Before he finished his sentence, Asuka shrieked. 

“I can’t believe you!”

“Asuka, please- -

“No, you listen to me!” It didn’t seem real when she chucked the Walkman across the room like a frisbee, barely missing a collision with Shinji’s head. It made a plastic, crippling bang as it smashed into the wall and then fell to the floor just behind him. He didn’t turn around to see it.

Shinji’s pupils were dilated, mouth opened to say something. He wanted to play her little game now, but she wouldn’t let him speak.

“You are so fucking pathetic! You let everyone walk all over you!” She seethed the words through her teeth. “You can’t handle conflict. You can’t handle anything. You’re a disgusting excuse of a man.” 

He swallowed a painful lump of spit down his throat. 

“You’re just a fucking, sniveling baby. A baby that whines and moans for his mother in his sleep. Crying in your dreams, begging for her, writhing like a disgusting -“

“STOP IT!” 

He bolted up into a sitting position, like an animal preparing itself to flee. His heartbeat pulsed loudly, quickening in his chest. He felt like he was going to vomit. How could she say these kinds of things? How could she care so little for someone else’s feelings? This was Asuka, he was talking about. But this was extreme, even for her. 

His skin, despite the thickness of the humidity in the air, felt cold. “Asuka…”

“Oh, poor baby. Did I strike a nerve?”

“Why are you being so cruel?” His fists balled into his thighs.

“Why are you so pathetic?”

Shinji was up before he realized he had moved. His shaking fists had grabbed her by the collar of her oversized t-shirt. They were close. Their faces inches apart. His blood ran cold when he noticed that her expression hadn’t changed; it still was as hard-lined and angry as before. 

“Pathetic,” she repeated, almost spitting.

His jaw clenched. Real anger bubbled and welled inside of his gut. Rage he didn’t vocalize, just concentrated in his eyes and in his hold on her. His fingers felt sweaty.

“You won’t even hit me.”

“Why would I want to hit you?!”

“Because you’re angry. That’s what a normal person would want.”

“I’m not hitting a girl!”

“No,” her voice lowered. Her tone was crisp, a degree of finality to it, “you won’t do anything.”

“That’s not true!” he yelled.

“It is. You don’t do anything. You never do.”

He couldn’t argue with that when he believed those words as much as she did.

She continued, her body eerily still in his grip. ”Especially to girls. You never do anything to us.”

His heart spasmed in his chest. He felt like he was going to pass out.

“You’re scared of us. You won’t hit us. Or touch us. Or fuck us. Even if you want to, you just hide everything deep down. You keep quiet and just stare and cower and wallow in your own self-hatred.”

The A/C hiccuped, but continued to circulate the sweltering air full-force.

“I know what you do. When you think we’re sleeping. Misato and me. You jerk off, trying to be quiet.”

His face, already flushed from the temperature, turned even redder. 

“Those weak little sounds you make are repulsive.”

“Stop…”

“It always happens so quick. I’m sure it doesn’t even feel that good.”

“Asuka, why’re you saying this…?”

“I bet it makes you feel empty inside.”

“ASUKA, STOP.”

His entire weight pushed forward as he shoved her. Shinji closed his eyes. He heard, but didn’t see, her body solidly collide with the floor. She grunted in pain. He wondered if she would have a bruise. 

The cicadas were still screaming.

“You can’t even hurt me properly.”

Shinji’s hands covered his face. He stood there, hunched and quivering. His nails dug into his hairline. She wouldn’t stop.

“You grovel for attention. It’s sickening to watch.”

He stepped back.

“You’re a burden to everyone around you.”

He hunched into himself, and rocked. Silently. 

He wanted to run away.

“You want everyone to pity you, but you do nothing to earn that pity. That attention. You’re hollow and embarrassing and it makes us all sick.”

He breathed in a shuddery, sob of a breath. Waiting for Asuka to continue to rip into him.

But, it was quiet, then. Just the A/C and the cicadas for the moment.

He stayed curled in on himself and lowered down on the floor, letting his damp palms press the tears back into his eyes. After what felt like forever, his ears picked up the gentle sound of clothing rustle. Then, firm footsteps. 

She was approaching him. He tensed, waiting for her attack. To get smacked. Kicked. Screamed at. But it never came. He felt her presence, whole and threatening beside him. Her voice, suddenly, was next to his ear. Still unkind and harsh, yet somehow different.

“Look at me.”

He cowered deeper into himself. Afraid of what she would do, afraid of her. Afraid of his reaction. 

More fabric and flesh shifted near him.

“Look at me!”

Swallowing, he peered between his clammy fingers. 

His body froze.

Asuka was in front of him. She was reclined back, one arm supporting her upright torso. The other arm was dangled between her parted legs, opening herself up. 

She was just as sweaty down there, too.

He couldn’t breathe. “A-Asuka….”

“I’m here, Shinji. I’m right in front of you.” Her fingers played around with her folds, glistening as she did so, small wet slick sounds barely audible over the roar of the A/C. Her face was still uncaring and cold, uninviting and bitter. Almost dead. It was weird.

“This is a freebie.”

“I don’t -“

“You don’t have to try to earn this. It’s the endgame. And it’s yours.” 

She spread her thighs wider, and used her now-sticky fingers to push up the fabric of the t-shirt, exposing her lower belly. It was pale and soft-looking. She stroked the skin. But her face remained unchangeable. “You could fuck me. Play with me. Eat me out. Use me for your own pleasure. Whatever you want. This is yours.”

His pants were getting tight, but he didn’t say a word.

“I could be your rag doll. Or your lover.” Her heel rubbed into herself. A lewd, squelching noise accompanied the motion.

His pulse quickened.

“I’m sure it’ll feel better than your hand.”

He couldn’t speak. Every part of him was on fire, every part of him was numb.

“Just do something.” For a split second, he was sure that she was pleading.

He remained still. Just gaping, drinking in the way she played with herself so shamelessly. Desire shuddered through him; he wanted to touch her. To do everything she asked. To make him, her, feel good. But he couldn’t. His limbs felt like cement. His vocal chords had snapped in his throat. 

He felt pathetic. And he must have looked pathetic, too.

“Shinji. Do something.”

Her middle finger sunk inside herself, and his entire being throbbed at the sight. But, he just couldn’t move. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right.

“I…” he licked his lips, trapped.

“Please.” It almost sounded pleading. Almost.

He just stared.

Her thighs snapped closed then. His body flinched along with her legs.

He saw her jaw clench, and his own stomach clenched when she whispered, almost desperately. “I hate you.”

“Asuka…”

“No, shut up.” 

Now, she wasn’t meeting his eyes. She continued to grit out her words as she wiped her hand along the inside of her right thigh. 

“You can’t do anything. You can’t even take me.”

He couldn’t hear the cicadas screaming anymore. 

Her pale legs had shifted, and she had lifted herself up to her feet. Quietly, she walked over to the other side of the room and gingerly picked up her discarded shorts and panties. 

Once more, she stared at the pilot, her eyes dark with disappointment, and shook her head. 

“You’re worthless.”

She went into her room, and pulled the sliding screen shut, leaving him alone in the living room.

He had curled in on himself again. His eyes were wet, overflowing with salt. His lungs spasmed in his chest, and he couldn’t breathe. His pants were still tight. The air was too dense. And his lungs were too small. He couldn’t breathe, and didn’t have the oxygen to speak or cry or scream. 

Shinji shook. 

He couldn’t stop.

—

A while later the front door banged open. Misato was carrying several white plastic bags from the convenience mart down the street. Her dark, poofy hair was tied up in a ponytail for once. Her face was covered in a thin layer of sweat.

“Ewgh, it’s so hot in here…Sorry, I’m late!”

Embarrassment colored her smiling face. 

It quickly disappeared from her expression when she saw a body curled up on the floor. Her eyes glossed over with pity, seeing Shinji like this again. It didn’t escape her attention that Asuka’s room was shut.

She didn’t say another word. She moved into the kitchen quietly and let the boy sob soundlessly into his knees. She knew better than to say anything. It wouldn’t make much of a difference. She could only say so many things, and none of those sentiments had been able to break through lately.

Shinji listened to Misato’s footfalls to the kitchen. He heard the refrigerator open, the sound of plastic bags being rifled through. Those noises were familiar, something safe. Something harmless.

He tried to calm himself with a deep breath, but instead choked on a sob.

The A/C spluttered and suddenly shut off.

Like the cicadas. 

Like him.


End file.
